Archive for the ‘rant’ Category

My mom said I cling onto people a little too tight. 

A good friend once advised me to hold people like sand in my hand. If it is held too tight, it will slip right through my fingers. 

I feel you slipping out of my hand. And it started long ago even before I dared to admit it. 

And funny how this episode keeps on repeating itself. The players might be different but the story is always the same. Frankly, I’m exhausted and on the verge of giving up.

But then. I remembered. You said. “Allah je yang tau semua. Judgment tu je yang patut menggetarkan jiwa.” And I sobbed myself to sleep.

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I was in the kitchen two nights ago. Alone. Cleaning up. My parents were at the hospital visiting a family friend. I had this question in my head – what would be the advice that I’d give to my  younger self.

I’m in my early 30s this year. So, the advice I was thinking of was for my 20 year-old self. The advice I’d give – “Be less angry and be less impulsive when you’re angry”. I was a quick-tempered person. The nature of people like me is that we tend to be upset and angry really fast and we’d cool down even faster. And when we’ve cooled down, we’d regret being angry in the first place. Alhamdulillah, I’ve not done any real physical damage to anyone but I might have hurt many feelings with my temper when I was much younger.

d42ae257_corbis-42-65416184Source: Pop Sugar

Knowing this doesn’t give me much comfort but every day, I try to improve myself and be calmer. Let things sink in first before making any comments or feedback.

However, this morning, I lost it for a bit.

I misplaced my watch.

angry-03Source: WeKnowYourDreams

This watch is very important to me. My parents gave it to me as my graduation gift. I’ve been wearing it religiously every single day for the past 5 years. And I can sometimes be a creature of routine so I’d keep this watch at the same place almost every day.

Yesterday, I realised I wasn’t wearing my watch when I was in the train. My hand felt lighter when I lifted it up to check for time. Watch was not on my wrist. Then I remembered, “Oh, it must be on the table where I left it. I was a bit in a hurry this morning, must have forgotten to wear it.”

This morning, I couldn’t find my watch on the table. I panicked. I searched for it everywhere. I even tried to retrace my steps on the previous days. Still couldn’t find it. I asked my mother if she’d seen my watch. She said no. I was upset, my voice started to reach for the higher pitch. Then I asked my father, he said no too. Asked my younger brothers, no, as well. I was so upset but then I remembered the advice that I wanted to give myself. So I went back up to my room and perform a 2-rakaat prayer. I was still angry at this point and I made a du’a that Allah punishes the person who took my watch severely.

6991766_orig                                                       Source: UrbanMentalHealthDesign

When I got back downstairs, my father asked if I needed a lift to the train station. I said no, thank you. My little brother also offered me a ride since he’s also going out to work. I shook my head. My mom told my dad to let me walk as she knew I needed to calm down.

As I was walking in the cool breeze, it was raining earlier, I regretted my du’a. I quickly asked for forgiveness from Allah because I had overreacted and had so many bad thoughts running through my head. I felt ashamed because I still need to be reminded by my conscience to be less angry, less quick-tempered, less impulsive. It made me sad.

mentalhealth
Source: AbaforLawStudents

In the train, I quickly googled for the du’a for missing things. I recited the du’a wholeheartedly. Then I saw a friend shared an article on her FB that the younger generation are losing their minds due to everyday stress. Her advice was, read the Quran as it helps to calm the mind. It was 4 stations away from my stop, I opened the Quran app and read a page where I last bookmarked. Alhamdulillah, I felt a lot better after that.

Thinking about what happened earlier, I think the best advice I could give for my younger self and myself today and for the rest of my life is to continue reading the Quran every single day, insha Allah.

al-baqarah153Surah Al-Baqarah verse 153

51f6f05e3f2f018d87ddb397ac7a6c5bSource: Pinterest

Miserable

Posted: January 21, 2016 in rant
Tags: ,

Sometimes we saw things differently, interpreted a scene from contradicting perspectives and we got hurt just by doing so.

The thing is, I may sometimes be a quick tempered person but I am also quick to forgive and move on.  But you, on the other end, you don’t forget as easily.

I was wrong. Period. I hurt you. Period. Now I am miserable.

Sad-Pug

Borrowed from Hannah K

I first learned about bell curves when I was in university. One of my professors told me that out of 10 people who scored A in his class, five will have to be ‘downgraded’ to A- so as to fit the bell curve. He was a professor of literature and not statistics. He felt that it was unfair for the students to be ‘graded’ based on the bell curve ‘requirement’. But the university can’t have too many people on one extreme end of the spectrum, especially not in the literature class where everything is debatable and subjective.  Apparently, 10 A was too big a number in a class of 35 students. I was ‘lucky’ because he ‘chose’ me to still be in the “A-list”. But luck shouldn’t determine your grade, nor should some distribution theory.

Today, as I put on my employee hat and studied the KPIs given by my superior, the bell curve horror struck again. As explained by the boss, this was a cascaded down KPI. So my KPI is pretty much similar to everybody in the team and even the boss except that the figures are different.

Being a senior member of the team, my figures are somewhat higher than most. My biggest issue in comprehending the KPI setting is that everyone in the team plays different roles in different projects. So how on earth can we ‘share’ similar KPI. She’s a creative designer while I am a writer. She works on project A and I’m in both projects, A and T. Project A has 6 brochures to be developed, while project T has 15. How can a designer who works on a project to develop six brochures have the KPI of “developing creative content: BASE – 10, STRETCH – 15” and I, a writer who works on two projects with a total number of 21 brochures to work on have similar KPI but a different figure: BASE – 25, STRETCH 30.

I am still scratching my head figuring out how to meet the base. When I asked my superior about this, his answer was, “Well, sometimes you meet your KPI, sometimes you don’t. And we can’t place everyone at the highest rank or the lowest rank. We gotta keep the curve in bell shape.”

Seriously, that did not even answer my question. I think the management need to go for KPI setting training. One obvious fact is that if you own 3 pens, you can’t multiply the number unless you buy more pens or borrow them from your mates. If you are asked to work on 21 brochures, the number won’t grow unless you add more request/project to it. Am I making any sense here? Perhaps, I am confused after all.

Monday Muse

Posted: July 27, 2015 in muse, rant
Tags: , , , ,

I wonder how could a person who loved you so much now loves you less, if there’s still love at all.

Your jokes are no longer funny.
Your tears matter not anymore.

I guess that’s the thing about love. There’s nothing certain about it.

I can say that at this moment, alhamdulillah, I’m comfortable with my life. A good paying job in one of the biggest conglomerates, a hobby that has turned into a part-time job, still have my parents around, great siblings, great friends. Alhamdulillah.

However, of late, I’m getting more and more pressured by my work environment. I have a boss that I dislike the way s/he (not going to reveal the gender) manages the team. S/he seldom speaks to you directly and always asks one of her/his ‘trusted allies’ to ask us questions or make requests for certain things. One of the things that really ticks me off is her/his decision to demote a senior member of the team who was leading a smaller unit and promoted her/his ‘trusted ally’. It was done without proper distribution of information. The senior team member didn’t even know about this until an email was sent to the whole team announcing a new structure. No prior notice, he wasn’t given any explanation nor any chance to explain himself should the fault lies in his court. Everyone else was as shocked as he was. I, for one, was as frustrated as he was, or at least, my disappointment was big enough to push me to contemplate a green pasture elsewhere.

  •                                                      Image borrowed from: www.abc.net.au

I’m tired of being negative at work and I am also tired of being positive and trying to justify everything that the boss do just to console my broken heart. A friend told me not to invest too much emotionally in my job. I find it hard to do because I am very passionate about my work.

At this stage of life, if I’m looking for a job, I’m looking for a more meaningful one. The one that can satisfy both my pocket and more importantly my soul. Let’s face it, I have commitments too, hence money is important, not going to deny that. I’m already in my 30s, I want something that soothes my soul; something that makes me want to get up every morning happily and go to work at my highest energy level and being ever positive going about my daily routine. The question now is, where would I find such job? Any recommendations?