Story #9 – Heaven

Posted: July 11, 2018 in Uncategorized

How does one envision heaven?

When I was a little kid, I was told that there are rivers running through the heavens. I saw them in my mind, one flowing with pearl white milk, the other with golden honey. The waters were so calm that I could swim and glide and have the bestest fun of my life (after death, that is).

I remember seeing myself in front of a huge screen hanging in the air. I could ask about anything and God would answer my every question and show me video footages to explain them. I asked many questions about earth and the universe. How were things formed? Were dinosaurs real? Were there kind dinosaurs that I could pet and play with? What was the first language spoken by humans? The first word? Every question had its own answer and I kept on asking.

I played hard in heaven. I climbed trees, jumped onto a bed of dried leaves and I ran and ran and ran endlessly and tirelessly…

When I revisited my kiddish idea of heaven as an adult, I realised that it was just me and God all along but I didn’t remember feeling lonely or sombre. If truth be told, I do miss those moments and that special bond with God that I developed and cherished as a child.


Story #8 – Escape

Posted: May 29, 2018 in Uncategorized

Have you ever thought of escaping your life for a while and living as someone else, unknown to anyone, away from everything?

No, I don’t mean a vacation in Bora-bora Island or in the freezing Arctic.

Escaping doesn’t resolve anything, does it? It’s merely running away far enough before bumping into another obstacle. Soon, you’ll grow tired of running.

When you think of it again, you only have ONE life on this earth and if you keep feeling the need to escape, there must be something fundamentally wrong with the choices you made, be it your job, friends or surrounding.

With this one life and limited time that we have, let’s do something meaningful, if not to others, just to ourselves. A reminder to myself that life can be better depending on how I react to it. Allahu ‘alam.

– 13 Ramadhan 1439

A variable

Posted: August 1, 2017 in Uncategorized

According to you, I am a variable. When you’re happy, we could talk for hours about anything under the sun. When you’re angry, I transform into a punching bag. When you’re thrilled, we’d have great idea duels. When you’re upset, I’m back at being your punching bag. When I tease you, you’d be embarrassed and it quickly escalates into a grumpy mode and out comes the punching bag yet again. According to you, I’m merely a silly variable. A simpleton that isn’t capable of understanding your complexities. My codings are designed to suit you but my feelings contribute nothing to your programming. And here I stand still playing dumb, pretending numb. 

My mom said I cling onto people a little too tight. 

A good friend once advised me to hold people like sand in my hand. If it is held too tight, it will slip right through my fingers. 

I feel you slipping out of my hand. And it started long ago even before I dared to admit it. 

And funny how this episode keeps on repeating itself. The players might be different but the story is always the same. Frankly, I’m exhausted and on the verge of giving up.

But then. I remembered. You said. “Allah je yang tau semua. Judgment tu je yang patut menggetarkan jiwa.” And I sobbed myself to sleep.

Yesterday, I had a dream. It wasn’t anything unpleasant. It felt real. So real that I woke up in the middle of the night, opening my wardrobe and realising that all my clothes were still hanging inside it, I burst into laughter. For a while, I was fooled by my dream that all my clothes were gone.


Yes. We celebrated the 1st of Syawal last Sunday. It was a very happy occasion. I get to meet my extended families whom I had not seen for many months and some, years.

As I sat in circles of family and friends, listening to their chatter and laughter, deep down inside I prayed that you’re having a great time too.

Do you remember when we used to organise Eid celebration at the office? We’d do potluck and everybody will bring something from their home and we’d enjoy each other’s company and the amazing food. You’re always so generous in sharing your food with us. And I will always remember the IKEA curry puffs that you bought for everyone in the team 🙂


May you always be blessed with good health and lots of love.

Borrowed from:

Are you scared of death? I often ask myself that question. Sometimes my answer is no but most of the time it is yes. 

I know death is probably the only thing certain about life but I’m not sure if one can really truly prepare for it. And that thought scares me.

When I was a kid, I refused to sleep near my grandma because I was worried that I might wake up beside a corpse. At that age I believed old people would obviously die before the young ones. 25 years later, my grandma is still around, blessed with good health. But she’s lost one of her sons not too long ago.

I believe there’s life after death and that we’re accountable for our doings on this earth. I can only pray that my time and yours will come when God is pleased with us.